I Shall Rule This Planet

2002-12-10T07:56:00.000-08:00

Watch for PIRATE FAMILY PLUS TOTORO: THE MUSICAL! on a stage near you in 2003!

This is what folks in the musical-making industry call "The Book":

The story is that of a fun-loving family of musical pirates who don't have the heart to actually plunder from anybody ("Oh! We're Terrible Pirates, But Not Terrible In The 'Terror' Sense Of The Word"), so they roam the Japanese countryside, dragging their boat across land with large ropes made from old sheets and clothing, living off the good grace of farmers and schoolchildren ("We'll Work For Grain And Apples, And Maybe For Crayons Too"). Every member of the family has their own private obsessions: Father collects bottlecaps, Mother collects magazines that never published beyond the first issue, Jakarta collects matchsticks, and Little Tohira collects acorns, nuts and seeds ("Look At Our Collections Of Largely Useless Things!").

One magic night ("One Magic Night"), the musical pirate family sleeps in an enchanted wood, and when they awake, the prized nut collection of Little Tohira has been spirited away! Chasing the elfin thief through the woods ("Stop! Come Back With My Nuts Or My Anger Shall Be Immense!"), Little Tohira is delighted and astonished to find it is a Totoro! ("Totoro!")

As things transpire, only Little Tohira and Jakarta can see the Totoros ("It's A Snuffleupagus Thing"), but the parents are untroubled -- they know that only children can see Totoros, and that's just the way it is ("Not Seeing Totoros Is Irrefutable Proof That We Are Slowly Getting Older And Going Blind"). The children and Totoros have mystical adventures in the woods ("Mystical Adventures In The Woods").

Disaster strikes when Jakarta's matchstick collection and Mother's defunct-magazine hoard interact to set the pirate ship ablaze, and a weary family tries to drag their burning home to a nearby lake ("Towing A Burning Pirate Ship Is Harder Than It Looks"). Fatigued and despondent, they are about to give up when the Totoros summon a storm to extinguish the flames ("Lo! A Storm To Extinguish The Flames"). The parents think it's a freak of nature, but the children know the truth. ("The Children Know The Truth.")

Fire extinguished, the family continues on its path, filled with a renewed desire to travel and collect in a more fire-retardant way: Mother now gathers asbestos tile from abandoned industrial sites, while Jakarta gathers rusty bits of metal and broken glass. ("Our Collections Are Now More Dangerous, But At Least They Won't Catch On Fire.")

In a stunning reprise, the Totoros take to the stage and present a mime/dance interpretation of the social mores and pressures leading to the Pre-Raphaelite painting movement of the late 1900s.

FIN

All I need now is music, lyrics, a venue, and half a million bucks.

Takers?

2002-09-06T09:02:00.000-07:00

EDICT FORTY-FOUR:
"Piezometers for all"

It's a bit of a DOWNER when you wake up in the morning and say to yourself:

"Jeez, it'd be great to have a handy tool lying around that would help me determine the pressure in any given liquid-filled pipe by inserting the tool into said pipe and measuring the height to which liquid rises, then calculating pressure using the simple formula P1=pgh. But alas, I do not."

BUMMER, huh? Well, NO WORRIES, kid! Once I'm TOP OF THE GLOBAL POPS, EVERYONE will be issued their very own PIEZOMETER at birth! Training classes will be given in KINDERGARTENS and ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS, with REMEDIAL COURSES for those who missed it the first time 'round. Using a CALCULATOR, SLIDE RULE and the POWER OF YOUR LAUGHABLY SMALL MINDS, you will be able to figure out the pressure in ANY water- or gas-filled pipe, lickety-split!

PAY TRIBUTE TO THE PIEZOMETER! THE PIEZOMETER IS YOUR PAL!

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-09-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

EDICT FORTY-THREE:
"Good Sportsmanship"

So you think SHOOTING UNAWARE ANIMALS from HUNDREDS OF YARDS AWAY with a HIGH-POWERED RIFLE is SPORTSMANSHIP, do you? Whoop! GUESS WHAT? Hunting will STILL BE PERMITTED under my BENEVOLENT and MERCIFUL REIGN.

That's right, all you BEER-SWILLING WEEKEND WARRIOR DICKHEADS will still be able to MOSEY INTO THE WOODS and KILL THINGS to get your LITTLE ROCKS OFF. You can still get your JOLLIES by TERMINATING things that aren't as SMART or TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED as you.

Oh. Almost forgot. NO WEAPONS. If you want to go out there and WHACK A GRIZZLY, you're gonna have to do it with ONLY THE TOOLS GOD GAVE YA. If you want to POP A FEW DEER IN THE HEAD, you'll have to BEAT THEIR BRAINS OUT WITH YOUR KNUCKLES WHILE IT KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, because that's how it's going to BE.

It's RETROACTIVE, too. If you've ever SHOT A BLACK BEAR from SIX HUNDRED FEET AWAY, you can expect to be MEETING ITS BROTHER in a STEEL CAGE while BARE-ASS NAKED in pretty short order. While I LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH.

There is another option, of course. If you REALLY want to use your guns, you can. But I'll be offering a SIX MILLION DOLLAR BOUNTY on your head for the entire time you're in the woods. And flying in a few NAVY SEALS ON ACID to make things INTERESTING. Stop your WHINING. You'll still be better off than the animals you've been shooting in their LIVING ROOMS.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-09-04T10:42:00.000-07:00

EDICT FORTY-TWO:
"Rasslin' Names"

ATTENTION, MUD-SWILLING PEONS! Tired of being named DEBRA HOWALSH, LAWRENCE ILOTTEN, BRUCE WANG or MARK WALTERS? Fear not! SALVATION IS AT HAND!

For when you have CARRIED MY BRAIN THROUGH THE SACRED TUNNELS and WIRED MY CONSCIOUSNESS into the GIANT MASONIC MACHINES THAT CONTROL CONTINENTAL DRIFT, all of you citizens of PLANET YOURS TRULY will be given the MANDATORY NON-OPTIONAL FREEDOM to, upon maturity, choose your own RASSLIN' NAME.

A "Rasslin' Name," for the WOEFULLY UNDEREDUCATED, is a pseudonym one uses in moments of great drama and hyperbole, such as perhaps when HITTING A BURLY MAN IN TIGHTS OVER THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A FOLDING ALUMINUM CHAIR. Among other things.

Imagine going to your MUNDANE DRONE JOB and instead of being greeted with "Hi, Mitch" and "Hey, Mitch", this alternative: KICKING THE DOOR DOWN and LEAPING INTO THE ROOM wearing either GARISH FACE PAINT or a FACE-HUGGING DEVIL MASK screaming "MITCH THA MANGLA IN THA HOUUUSE!" Wouldn't that add a bit of much-needed JE NE SAIS QUOI to your GREY and DRAB days? Especially when you get to spend your lunch break facing off with SPINE-RIPPER SCHLOBOSKI in the STEEL CAGE down by RECEIVING.

RASSLIN' NAMES FOR ALL and if you don't pick your own, one will be ASSIGNED to you. Don't worry. I pick GOOD ones.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-09-02T06:32:00.000-07:00

EDICT FORTY-ONE:
"The Funny Law"

I'm SICK AND TIRED of this EVIDENCE- and FACT-BASED LEGAL SYSTEM that just keeps CLOGGING THINGS UP. Not that it doesn't have its uses, but when I am CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE UNIVERSE and all y'all are FILE CLERKS in the GALACTIC DEPARTMENT OF LITTER MANAGEMENT, there's gonna be at least ONE change made.

THE FUNNY LAW.

Whatever paragraph and subsection of whatever document it may be, it will be an overarching question with a meta-effect across the board. The question is simple:

"BUT WAS IT FUNNY?"

and a YES can absolve almost ANY crime! You can see the applications immediately. While nudging a bus full of nuns off the road is BAD and should be PUNISHED, nudging a bus full of nuns off the road and INTO A NUDIST CAMP is FUNNY. Or at least it COULD be.

Since funny is SUBJECTIVE, this law will be a DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD. But sometimes swords are FUNNY.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-08-29T10:23:00.000-07:00

EDICT FORTY:
"Advisors and Background Music"

I know what you're DREADING. That once you've RAISED ME UP like PETER WELLER with a JET PACK, I'll deliver long, tedious, BUCKAROO-BANZAI-STYLE speeches from the IVORY THRONE OF JUSTICE. Not likely!

Oh, OK, likely. Damn probable, in fact. BUT I intend to CLONE the members of ROCKAPELLA using an ADVANCED AGING PROCESS so that they can BACK ME UP with some WACKY CARMEN-SANDIEGO-ERA SPONTANEITY! So when I say "I SHALL CRUSH BOLIVIA" they can sort of riff on it a capella, like this:
"Bolivia, Bo-bo-livia,
Bo Knows Livia
Livia knows Bo
But don't touch Livia's
Salad Bowl!
BOOO-LIII-VIIII-AAAA!"

Or, you know, something like that. Rest assured that I shall DESTROY all those who are FOOLISH ENOUGH to OPPOSE ME, but shall do it in GLORIOUS FOUR-PART HARMONY.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-08-28T11:20:00.000-07:00

EDICT THIRTY-NINE:
"Legendary Lands"

If I'm going to DEIGN to ELEVATE YOU SCUM from your current SEWER-BELLIED GROVELING to the status of DEITIES BEFITTING MY VALUABLE TIME, I'm going to need a SEAT OF POWER that reflects my STATUS.

I'm a MODEST man, so MOON BASE ALPHA can be put off for a few years. The SPACE PLATFORM can similarly be DELAYED while you all ADJUST to the RAPID GROWTH OF YOUR BRAINS SUCH THAT YOUR CRANIUMS SPLIT, CAUSING MASSIVE HEADACHES. But is it too much to ask for ATLANTIS? Let's FIND the LOST CONTINENT and LIFT 'ER BACK UP! I can't believe you people haven't found it yet, by the way. Have you even been LOOKING?

IT'S ON THE THIRD SHELF BEHIND THE BOTTLES OF GINGER BEER!

No wait, that's the dijon. NEVER MIND.

Order of business, then: 1. FIND ATLANTIS, 2. RAISE ATLANTIS, 3. CLEAN IT UP so I can LIVE IN IT. Oh, and crush the globe under my heel. Shan't forget that.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-08-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

EDICT THIRTY-EIGHT:
"Bigger Wangs for All"

Sorry if I seem OUT OF SORTS today, but I've been approached about having my PENIS LENGTHENED about SIXTEEN times in the last twenty-four hours via E-MAIL. This has been going on for YEARS, and I'm beginning to suspect there might be something WRONG WITH MY WANG.

Once I have BROADBAND ACCESS to the HEARTS AND MINDS OF ALL and you're still DIALUP, two things will happen. First of all, there will be NO DISCUSSION OF MY WANG. Got it? NO WANG TALK. Second, everyone who has EVER SPAMMED ON THE INTERNET will be forced to LIVE UP to all their promises, RETROACTIVELY and for FREE. That means EVERYONE'S gonna get UNIVERSITY DEGREES, BIGGER BREASTS, A HUGER WANG, FREE PORN, $10K WORKING FROM HOME, LOW INTEREST RATES, and AMAZING FREE SOFTWARE without paying a RED CENT for the REST OF TIME. How will the spammers AFFORD TO DO THIS? Well, there's a real DEMAND for ORGANS on the FREE MARKET these days, and some of them must have some PRETTY BIG FAMILIES. Tally ho! THE WANG WILL WAG THE DOG!

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-08-26T12:37:00.000-07:00

EDICT THIRTY-SEVEN:
"Linguistic Excellence"

Get ready, because when I'm KICKIN' IT OLD SCHOOL and you're all just a bunch of WACK MCs, there'll be THREE LANGUAGES for EVERYONE ON EARTH.
1. Your mother tongue,
2. ESPERANTO, and
3. That WEIRD PROTO-GERMAN that American actors speak in OLD WORLD WAR TWO MOVIES when they're playing the NAZI BAD GUYS.
German'll still be cool, of course, and celebrated as the wonderful language it is, but THE ENTIRE PLANET must learn the all-purpose phrases "DANKE SHÖEN," "GOTT UND HIMMELL!" and "DIE, AMERIKANER SHVINEHUNDT!"
Panicked? Worried? Short of breath? SWEAT NOT, LITTLE MAN. You can learn PROTO-GERMAN and HAVE FUN at the same time by picking up an old DOS copy of WOLFENSTEIN 3-D! It also features choice .WAV files like "HUT DANNE!" "DRUFUFFEL!" "MEIN LEIBEN!" "GÜTENTAAG!" and "FREON!" I don't know what ANY OF THOSE MEAN, except for maybe "GÜTENTAAG." Which means "HI THERE" or "SORRY ABOUT SHOOTING YOU IN THE FACE AND ALL, BUT IT'S A JOB." I'm not sure which. The rest are PHOENETIC PRONUNCIATIONS of WHATEVER THE HELL those little BROWN and BLUE and WHITE guys are saying, to say nothing of HITLER IN HIS BIG ROBOT SUIT. Hitler was evil and all, but that BIG ROBOT SUIT kicked ASS.

Why didn't they ever tell us about the BIG ROBOT SUIT in high school? Probably the same reason they never told us about the ZOMBIES. School SUCKS.

"DIE, AMERIKANER SHVINEHUNDT!"

ICH SHALL ORDNE THIS PLANETEN.

2002-08-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

EDICT THIRTY-SIX:
"Jazz"

JAZZ IS GOOD. A little INACCESSIBLE, maybe, but GOOD. Once you've really sat down in the twilight with a pair of HEADPHONES and Charles Mingus' THE BLACK SAINT AND THE SINNER LADY, if you really PAY ATTENTION, you'll never look at music the same way again.

Why does GOOD MUSIC like this get passed over for PABLUM? BEATS ME. Hey, if I were SENSIBLE, would I really want to RULE THE PLANET? Ask DAVID LYNCH.

But I'm a FAIR AND EQUITABLE MAN. Okay, maybe not, but I'm not a TOTAL JERK ALL THE TIME. Okay, I am, but I don't want to get LYNCHED (ask DAVID LYNCH) before my ASCENT TO THE PEARLY THRONE OF JUSTICE, which is what I'll call the COMFY CHAIR I sit on while I RULE STUFF.

So here's the deal. You can still buy your BRITNEY and N*SYNC and AQUA albums, but only as a 50/50 rule whereupon you have to buy a good JAZZ album, too. And you'll have to fill out a quick QUIZ on the jazz album -- including humming a few bars from a track chosen at random -- before you can BUY ANOTHER ONE.

Once everyone's conversant in BILL FRISELL and HAMPTON HAWES, we'll chat about maybe UNLOCKING the CLASSIC ROCK VAULTS and letting you buy some of those MOLDING TRIBUTES TO DECREPITUDE.

Until then, happy listening!

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-08-22T08:07:00.000-07:00

EDICT THIRTY-FIVE:
"The Manual"

Once the SUN SHINES IN on your TINY BRAINS and you make me the LAMBOURGHINI to your collective 1983 RENAULT LeCAR, I'm going to WIPE THE SHELVES CLEAN of all SELF-HELP books. Instead of EIGHTEEN TRICKS OF PRETTY PRODUCTIVE PEONS and THINK WELL, BARF LOTS, EAT MEAT, there will be ONE MANUAL that will be MANDATORY READING in all DAY CARES and ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS.

The title?

"DON'T BE A &?%# FLAKE."

Now that I've WHETTED YOUR APPETITE, here are a few chapter titles:

1. DON'T SAY YOU'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING UNLESS YOU'RE GONNA DO IT.
2. IF YOU DON'T DO SOMETHING YOU SAID YOU'D DO, APOLOGIZE PROMPTLY, THEN DO IT.
3. BE ON TIME.
4. NO, REALLY. BE ON TIME.
5. RETURN PHONE CALLS AND E-MAIL MESSAGES. BE BRIEF IF YOU HAVE TO BE.
6. IF YOU CAN'T DO SOMETHING, FOR PETE'S SAKE DON'T SAY YOU CAN DO IT.
7. RE-READ CHAPTERS ONE THROUGH SIX.

There are FOUR HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-FIVE chapters to date, but you GET THE IDEA.

BUCKLE UP, BUTTERCUP. You've got some READING to do. AND YES, THIS WILL BE ON THE TEST.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-08-21T07:36:00.000-07:00

EDICT THIRTY-FOUR:
"Villages"

Ever watched THE PRISONER? Good show, and a great way for FUTURE EMPERORS to perfect the MCGOOHAN SCOWL. Ideal for despots and CRANKY PEOPLE of all stripes.
The thing that impresses me the most is the VILLAGE, however. Granted, it's an OPPRESSIVE MIND-WASHING ANTI-INDIVIDUALITY ENVIRONMENT, which many would consider "bad," but the VILLAGE has a lot goin' on. A butcher, a baker, natty clothes, cheerful music, lots of live-action chess games and little parasols, beachfront property, and everyone gets a neat badge with an old bicycle on it! Besides, the CONTROLLER of the Village gets to sit in a CHAIR SHAPED LIKE AN EGG! How cool is THAT?
As soon as I am NUMBER TWO and you are all NUMBER SEVENTY-THREE AND UP, you can COUNT ON your life being a little more "VILLAGE." Buy your bread from a baker! Buy your meat from a butcher! No more FAST FOOD and IMPERSONAL FACELESS GROCERY STORES! Smiling, happy communities where EVERYONE HAS A PURPOSE and nobody is troubled with FREE THOUGHT.

Did I just say that out loud?

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-08-20T08:13:00.000-07:00

EDICT THIRTY-THREE:
"Hiatus"

WONDERING where I've BEEN? REST EASY, LITTLE CAMPER. I've been PLOTTING and SCHEMING and SOAKING UP RAYS on a SECRET BEACH RESORT known only to ME. It's BEAUTIFUL here, with WHITE SAND and FRUITY DRINKS. It's GREAT in my SECRET BEACH RESORT, known only to me and my staff of SERVICE FLYING CYBORG MONKEYS.

But GUESS WHAT? When I am MASTER OF THE WORLD, I will still keep my SECRET BEACH RESORT a SECRET. Because I need somewhere to rest my MIGHTY BRAIN and drink FRUITY DRINKS and LAUGH at the MEANDERING ANTICS of you PEONS.

Sorry. I shouldn't RUB IT IN.

No, wait. YES I SHOULD.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-08-02T10:41:00.000-07:00

EDICT THIRTY-TWO:
"Wil Wheaton"

When I am the GALACTUS to your collective STILT-MAN, y'all are gonna have to lay off WIL WHEATON. He's FUNNY, and does a real good WEBLOG at www.wilwheaton.net. Yeah, yeah, I didn't like WESLEY CRUSHER EITHER, but that was a GODDAMN FICTIONAL CHARACTER. And he was in STAND BY ME. Which ROCKED. It did not ROCK THE HIP-HOP, but it rocked nonetheless. Once I DOMINATE THE GLOBE like BEN FOLDS ROCKS THE SUBURBS, Wil Wheaton will be given a GOOD JOB being FUNNY for CASH. Because he seems like a REAL DECENT GUY.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-08-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

EDICT THIRTY-ONE:
"Edict Thirty"

Please IGNORE EDICT THIRTY, as it was in fact written by DREHPEHS WEHTTAM, my evil counterpart from DIMENSION SEVEN.

Thank you.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-31T10:29:00.000-07:00

EDICT THIRTY:
"Secret IDs"

There are NOT ENOUGH SCAPEGOATS. Know what I mean? EVERYBODY'S FRIGGIN' INNOCENT for SOME reason. ENOUGH! When I AM THE BIG HAMMER and YOU ARE THE NAILS, all crimes and misdeeds can be blamed on YOUR REVERSE-NAME from DIMENSION SEVEN. As in:

"Did YOU rob the bank, BILL SMITH?"
"NO! It was HTIMS LLIB, my EVIL COUNTERPART from DIMENSION SEVEN!"

Imagine the LIBERTY and WONDER of knowing that your DIMENSION SEVEN COUNTERPART is actually responsible for all those bad things people THINK you've done over the years! Truly, my reign shall be one of GUILT-FREE GLORY and UNFETTERED EXPRESSIVENESS!

Plus, I can keep all you MORONS occupied by declaring WAR ON THE FIENDS FROM DIMENSION SEVEN. You'll be so busy BUILDING and BUYING arms for the WAR EFFORT, not to mention working on building me a TRANS-DIMENSIONAL OVERTHRUSTER, you'll never realize that REAL DIMENSION SEVEN COUNTERPARTS have BRIGHT GREEN EYES! NYAH-HA HA!

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

EDICT TWENTY-NINE:
"The Freebie"

BY GOLLY, when I am BIG POTATO in this BRIAR PATCH, there are gonna be some CHANGES MADE, AND HOW. Note, as reference, how some DEDICATED SUBJECTS have been having a HARD TIME reaching the EARLIEST EDICTS of my BENEVOLENT MAJESTY.

When I KICK ARSE AND TAKE NAMES on an INTERNATIONAL LEVEL, FROM YONFORTH there will be NO MORE BITCHING about FREE STUFF that DOESN'T WORK PERFECTLY. I mean, KEENSPACE would be producing 10,000% MORE CARTOONS and drawing enough REVENUE to power SERVERS THE SIZE OF OAKLAHOMA if the cartoonists spent as much time CARTOONING as they do BITCHING ABOUT KEENSPACE. By law, it'll be PAY OR SHUT UP for all the LEECHES such as YOURS TRULY using this FREE BLOGGER SERVICE. If I SUBSCRIBE, I can COMPLAIN. Until I DO, I'm just another PART OF THE PROBLEM.

Bet you thought I was going to COMPLAIN about BLOGSPOT, didn't you? SUCKER. My reign will be UNPREDICTABLE like a NETWORK NEWS ANCHOR with NOTHING TO LOSE.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-26T08:12:00.000-07:00

EDICT TWENTY-EIGHT:
"White Sugar"

I'm no HEALTH FREAK, but when the entire globe KISSES MY RING, there'll be a whole lot less WHITE SUGAR and REFINED FLOUR floating around. This isn't some sort of crazed HIPPIE thing. That crap is POISON. Not that I don't eat it, mind, but I KNOW it's bad for me and most of humanity is SADLY UNAWARE. What will this mean for FAST FOOD JOINTS? DISASTER, baby. But SCREW 'EM. I figure if they can tax ADDICTIVE KILLERS like ALCOHOL and SMOKES, my BENEVOLENT REGIME can slap a 600% SURCHARGE on the SUGAR and WHITE FLOUR industry. Guess where half of that cash is going, baby? DIABETES RESEARCH. Try to roll back some of the DAMAGE we've caused by SCARFING this DANGEROUS and ADDICTIVE drug for a little more than a century.

My rule will be SWEET LIKE HONEY. 'Cause HONEY will be a popular SWEETENER.

Get it? Hah?

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

EDICT TWENTY-SEVEN:
"Lights Out"

ELEVEN P.M. IS TIME FOR BED. That's all there is to it. When I DOMINATE THE GLOBE, 11 p.m. will be LIGHTS-OUT for EVERYBODY! That means no NOISE, no PARTIES, no WALKING AROUND YELLING "WOO-HOO" when you're DRUNK. EMERGENCY ROOMS will stay open, and FIRE STATIONS. Other than that, NIGHT TIME IS FOR SLEEPIES. There will be NO UNSLEEPIES after ELEVEN AT NIGHT.

Once we're all WELL-RESTED every morning from getting a DECENT NIGHT'S SLEEP, we can go about building a GIANT ROCKET for my MOON PALACE.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

EDICT TWENTY-SIX:
"Televised Sports"

Sorry, FAT-ASS, you're going to have to READ or actually TALK TO OTHER HUMANS from now on. That's right. I can think of no greater WASTE OF SPACE, TIME AND MONEY than televised sporting events, and as soon as you pus-minded sheep come to your senses, they're OUT. Imagine if all the potato-chip scarfing, beer-guzzling tools out there suddenly started PLAYING sports instead of just WATCHING them and YAMMERING ON about it! Imagine if people actually watched LOCAL SPORTS TEAMS in their travails against OTHER LOCAL SPORTS TEAMS and saw their FRIENDS AND NEIGHBOURS strive, sweat and succeed in PERSON! What might happen if all the MONEY tied up in OVERINFLATED COKE-SNIFFERS' SALARIES was suddenly FREED for LOCAL SPORTS COMPLEXES and FACILITIES?

Let's find out.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-22T11:28:00.000-07:00

EDICT TWENTY-FIVE:
"Uh. Yeah."

Under my STEELY and WATCHFUL gaze, ALL MUSIC that features the phrase "Uh. Yeah." shall be STRICKEN from the MUSICAL WORLD like a DINGLEBERRY on the POPE'S BUTTOCKS. Like, SERIOUSLY. R&B singers make MILLIONS and the BEST THEY CAN COME UP WITH is "Uh. Yeah." AND PEOPLE USED TO CRITICIZE ROCKERS FOR SAYING "BABY" TOO MUCH. I can't believe this.

Not only will all music containing "Uh. Yeah." be PUT ON A GIANT ROCKET AND LAUNCHED INTO THE SUN, all MUSICIANS will JOIN IT in their own LUXURY SHUTTLE to PLUTO. Goodbye, WILL SMITH. Goodbye, P. DIDDY/PUFF DADDY Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, you TALENTLESS TOOLS. You will NOT BE MISSED. Anybody possessing your albums will be REIMBURSED with recordings by GOOD SMART people like BRAND NUBIAN, PUBLIC ENEMY, or the ROOTS. Should you RESIST, you will be sent to EELS/THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS re-education camp until you are READY for REAL MUSIC by SMART FUNNY CLEVER PEOPLE.

"Awwww, yeah" WILL BE A JUDGEMENT CALL from my personally-appointed TASTE POLICE. But BAD R&B shall be SURGICALLY REMOVED as the MENTAL BLEMISH IT IS on our INTELLECTUAL LANDSCAPE.

UH. YEAH.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

EDICT TWENTY-FOUR:
"Weather"

If there is ANY TRUTH to the stories of SOVIET WEATHER-CONTROL SATTELLITES, I TELL YOU THIS:
When I am the PHAROH of the GLOBE, we're going to get those puppies UP AND RUNNING.

SUNNY DAYS and RAINY NIGHTS. DAILY. No more rain on picnics, no more torrential downpours followed by a beautifully clear evening. Whatever the SCIENTIFIC MUST-HAVE quantity of rainfall is, we'll drop it in between THREE AND SEVEN A.M. And maybe toss in a few showers when somebody dies or something. You know.

All WEATHERMEN will consequently be UNEMPLOYED, but will have COOL NEW JOBS running all the ACTIVITIES that can now be scheduled thanks to the SOVIET WEATHER SATTELLITE PARADISE I intend to create. I may even, if they're nice to me, give them JET PACKS.

Go weathermen! Go Soviet weather-control devices!

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-16T07:50:00.000-07:00

EDICT TWENTY-THREE:
"Esperanto"

Let's DUST 'ER OFF and SET 'ER UP. After you CHIMPS PROP ME UP on my DIVINE THRONE, we'll be racking up 100% LITERACY scores across the globe within FIVE YEARS. Admittedly, ESPERANTO is a language that's about as elegant as William Merrick and as beautiful as a wet turd, but IT WORKS. Let's get PLANETARY, linguistically speaking!

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-12T08:23:00.000-07:00

EDICT TWENTY-TWO:
"Rocking the Hip-Hop"

Every SIXTEEN MINUTES, upon becoming the RIGHTFUL GOD-EMPEROR OF THIS SPHERE, I shall ROCK THE HIP-HOP for approximately EIGHT SECONDS.

You may watch if you wish, or take a pass. I don't care. As long as I get to rock the hip-hop.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-12T08:21:00.000-07:00

EDICT TWENTY-ONE:
"Utah"

There are a LOT of PEOPLE AROUND who DON'T HAVE MUCH TO DO. So when you finally APPOINT me as your PLANETARY RULER, I propose that we RAISE UTAH EXACTLY ONE FOOT, THEN MOVE IT THREE INCHES TO THE LEFT.

Why? BECAUSE WE CAN. People in Utah always complain about the view. "If only we were one foot higher," they say, "we could see a little further and be just a bit closer to heaven." (They're mostly Mormons). So LET'S GIVE UTAH A BOOST! We can KNOCK DOWN a few of those USELESS MOUNTAINS on the WEST COAST, make some sort of GIANT UTAH-SIZED SPATULA, slide it UNDER UTAH, use a GIANT GOLF BALL as a FULCRUM, RAISE UTAH, and put CRUSHED MOUNTAIN underneath it to hold it up. Then we just DRAG IT OVER by three inches and SET 'ER BACK DOWN.

If people don't find something USEFUL to do after that, we can maybe reinstate those DANCE-A-THONS they had in the THIRTIES. You bet your BIPPY they shoot horses, sweetheart.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-10T15:52:00.000-07:00

EDICT TWENTY:
"Lotteries"

For PETE'S SAKE. If you want to WASTE MONEY, you can WASTE it on ME, you TONGUE-BITING STUPES. I'm SICK and TIRED of seeing DECENT CITIZENS TRAPPED behind SHAMBLING GRABBY TOOLS in the EXPRESS LANES of GROCERY STORES across the WORLD.

Under MY RULE, state-sponsored lotteries will be ABOLISHED, and those who want to RISK MONEY on something as unlikely as FINDING a GOLD BRICK in their BUTT can do it by SUBSCRIBING to a HIGHER TAX RATE called the "STUPID TAX." They can get a "STUPID CHIT" mailed to them every day and they can REGISTER their STUPID LUCKY NUMBERS. If their STUPID LUCKY NUMBERS get drawn, they can win a chance to get KICKED in the HEAD by the CELEBRITY of THEIR CHOICE. I mean, most of these TOOLS just want to get rich so they can LIVE LIKE THE STARS, right? So why not ELIMINATE THE MIDDLEMAN? The STATE gets their money, and THEY get their SKULLS DENTED by THEIR HEROES.

How's THAT for a BRUSH WITH FAME?

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-09T12:21:00.000-07:00

EDICT NINETEEN:
"Jazz"

Lots of jazz is GOOD. But some of it is BAD. If you do not like CHARLES MINGUS after my ascent to power, you will be RE-EDUCATED. If you like Kenny G, you MUST be RE-EDUCATED.

GOOD TASTE WILL BE MANDATORY.

BAD JAZZ WILL FALTER AND VANISH.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-08T11:36:00.000-07:00

EDICT EIGHTEEN:
"Socks"

LISTEN to me NOW or RUE THIS DAY later! For I bring you TIDINGS OF GREAT JOY! When my innate superiority is RECOGNIZED and I rise to sit upon the WORLD-THRONE, among my RECKONINGS shall be the CHEAPENING OF HIGH-QUALITY SOCKS!

SOCKS are TOO EXPENSIVE! It's a FACT! If you want a NICE WARM PAIR OF SOCKS, you have to pay AN ARM AND A LEG, and then you can only enjoy ONE of the socks! It's KUH-RAY-ZEE!

So. A GOOD PAIR OF THICK WARM WOOL SOCKS will cost you maybe HALF A BUCK. On the OUTSIDE. As compared to the SIX OR SEVEN DOLLARS that the damn CAPITALISTS want for them! ALL WILL HAVE WARM SOCKS, and MANY PAIRS OF SAME! NO FOOT SHALL BE DENIED!

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-07T07:52:00.000-07:00

EDICT SEVENTEEN:
"Bacon"

BACON is GOOD. And while I GENERALLY AGREE that MEAT is ENVIRONMENTALLY DISASTROUS and WASTEFUL and PEOPLE SHOULD EAT MORE VEGETABLES, I think a world without BACON is like a WORLD WITHOUT MY BENEVOLENT RULE. That is to say, BARELY WORTH LIVING IN.

Say, why HAVEN'T you made ME your SUPREME LEADER yet, ANYWAY? News must be travelling slow this week.

ANYWAY. MEAT will be DE-PRIORITIZED in the KANO (Kick-Ass New Order), but PIGS will still be bred for BACON, which will become the OFFICIAL PLANETARY MEAT. We will send BACON BITS into space on SATTELLITES to prove our ADVANCED CIVILIZATION to ALIEN RACES. BACON will be served at all AFFAIRS OF STATE and be included in SCHOOL LUNCHES. We will create MACHINES that accept PROTEIN POWDER, WATER and OTHER BASIC ELEMENTS and create GIANT CUBES OF BACON.

Every night will be BACON NIGHT under my all-seeing, all-knowing gaze.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-06T04:59:00.000-07:00

EDICT SIXTEEN:
"Beer"

Like in QUEBEC, a MESSED-UP PROVINCE with some REALLY GOOD FEATURES, beer shall be AVAILABLE IN GROCERY and CONVENIENCE STORES, but ALL BOTTLES will be RETURNABLE BY LAW. SCREW this CONSIGNMENT crap. I'm SICK of IDIOTS breaking BEER BOTTLES all over the place because ... well, I'm NOT SURE WHY.

BETTER YET, all BEER BOTTLES will be equipped with an EAR-PIERCING ALARM that will sound if you SMASH THE BOTTLE. Then the FLYING CYBORG MONKEY ENFORCERS will arrive and FORCE YOU TO EAT all the BROKEN GLASS. That'll learn ya for PUNCTURING MY BIKE TIRES, you BEER-BOTTLE-SMASHING BASTARDS.

The SOFT FOAM BEER BOTTLE HOLDING THINGY industry will boom, which is A-OK. NOBODY'S BIKE TIRES ever got SHREDDED by a SOFT FOAM BEER BOTTLE HOLDING THINGY.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-06T04:56:00.000-07:00

EDICT FIFTEEN:
"The Idiot Edict"

IDIOTS are always a PROBLEM when a HIGH-MINDED RULER is given TOTAL CONTROL OVER THE WORLD. I mean, on the one hand, they get in the way and BREATHE THROUGH THEIR MOUTHS and CLOG UP THE MALL. On the OTHER hand, SOMEBODY has to work in the JELLY BEAN FACTORIES and provide raw labour for the SALT MINES.

The BEST PROPOSAL, I think, is to start CATEGORIZING THINGS by I.Q. and THINKING RESPONSE tests. IDIOT MALLS will help keep the SLOW-MOVING MORONS from GETTING BETWEEN ME AND THE LAURA SECORD ICE CREAM STANDS. There will be SPECIAL TELEVISION STATIONS for IDIOTS that show nothing but GAME SHOWS and SOAP OPERAS and FOX NEWS.

ACCIDENTS will no longer be statistically categorized by AGE OR GENDER groups, but by IDIOT, DUNCE, MORON, AVERAGE, BRIGHT, and BRILLIANT categories. "A new study shows that 6855% of all car accidents involved IDIOTS over the last year" and THAT SORT OF THING.

We will SOON BE ABLE to make this a safer, better world. Wait until I re-designate MANHATTAN as "IDIOT ISLAND." You'll LOVE IT. TRUST ME.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-04T07:40:00.000-07:00

EDICT FOURTEEN:
"National Celebrations"

As future TOP BANANA, I have naturally spent much time CONTEMPLATING my style of rule. Should I use the ROMAN approach of essentially leaving nations alone with their customs and habits, or the BRITISH system of TOTAL SUBJUGATION AND SOUL-SHATTERING CONTROL?

As EVERYBODY knows, Orwell beats Ghandi NINE FALLS OUT OF TEN at THUMB-WRESTLING, so subjugation seems to be the order of the day. KISS YOUR QUAINT REGIONAL FESTIVALS GOODBYE.

Ooh! It's the Fourth of July! Oooh! It's Canada Day! Ooooh! It's Guy Fawkes Day! Ooooh! It's Bolivar Day! Oooh! It's National Slug Wrestling Day down at Murray's Hot Ribs and Slug Wrestling Pit!

FUGGEDABOUTIT, YOU SISSIES. You will set aside MARCH SIXTEENTH of EVERY YEAR and celebrate "THE DAY OUR LORD HIGH EMPEROR DECIDED NOT TO KILL US ALL WITH THE AMAZING DEATH BEAMS THAT COME FROM HIS EYES AND FINGERTIPS." It will be a big global party every March 16, with little hats and rattles and lots of cake. Until the March Sixteenth that I finally decide to destroy all of you with the aforementioned amazing death beams. So be good.

MARCH 16. BRING FIREWORKS AND YOUR OWN MEAT TO BARBEQUE. I WILL PROVIDE THE POTATO SALAD AND CHEAP WATERY BEER.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-03T10:42:00.000-07:00

EDICT THIRTEEN:
"Jelly Beans"

Aren't ENOUGH of 'em. YET. When I am KING OF THIS PARTICULAR CASTLE, JELLY BEANS will be CHEAP, PLENTIFUL, and AVAILABLE IN ALL COLOURS INDIVIDUALLY. What is UP with those CHEAP PURPLE ONES? They taste like WHAT A MONGOOSE PASSES SIX HOURS AFTER EATING DISH SOAP! And the GREEN ones? JEEBUS! Who in their RIGHT MIND would ever EAT MINT JELLYBEANS?

Your leaders, until now, have been too WEAK to DEAL WITH THIS. Under ME, there will be no less than SIXTEEN (and up to TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-NINE) flavours of JELLYBEAN available in EVERY STORE. You will be able to MIX AND MATCH to your HEART'S CONTENT. BOOKS on JELLY BEAN COCKTAILS will be published. The world will FORSAKE THE DEMON CHOCOLATE and COME BACK to the SWEET CANDY OF ITS YOUTH.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-02T11:23:00.000-07:00

EDICT TWELVE:
"Cycling"

NO SLOW PEOPLE ON BIKES. Period. When I am LARGE AND IN CHARGE, all cyclists will have to maintain a MINIMUM CRUISING SPEED of 8 km/h. THAT AIN'T THAT FAST, KIDS. I'm sick and tired of FOSSILS JAMMING UP THE TRAILS with their $4,000 bicycles, WHEEZING ALONG to the CRAPPY MUSIC on those ANNOYING LITTLE HANDLEBAR RADIOS. For PETE'S SAKE. If you can't KEEP UP, you should TRAIN AT HOME on gol-danged STATIONARY BICYCLES until you're FIT TO JOIN SOCIETY. What's that? You want the SCENERY? TOO FRIGGIN' BAD. You can STARE AT RICHARD SIMMONS' FREAKY-ASSED SELF and SWEAT TO THE OLDIES until YOU CAN BIKE FASTER THAN I CAN CRAWL BACKWARDS WITH SIXTEEN FAT BABIES STRAPPED TO MY CHEST. Which is about 8 kph, if you're wondering.

What's that? You're OLD and CAN'T GO AT A REASONABLE RATE OF SPEED? See the future edict on "OLDTOPIA" for your IMPENDING PARADISE RESORT/RETREAT. And MAKE ME YOUR RULER QUICKLY, OLDIE, before your HEART STOPS. For now, just STAY OUT OF MY WAY. I'M A TWO-WHEELED RACECAR AND I'M ZZZOOMIN' ZZZOOMIN' ZZZOOMIN'!

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-07-02T08:20:00.000-07:00

EDICT ELEVEN:
"Humidity"

HUMIDITY is CRAP. When I am RIGHTFUL MONARCH of EARTH, I shall put all of our RESOURCES towards building WEATHER-CONTROL SATTELLITES that will keep things from EVER BEING THIS HUMID. I HATE it when my UNDERWEAR sticks in my CROTCH and I sweat when I'm just SITTING STILL WATCHING OLD "BATTLE OF THE PLANETS" DVDs. It is TOO HUMID. A GIANT MAGNIFYING GLASS will be LAUNCHED INTO ORBIT to break up BIG POCKETS OF HUMIDITY. And maybe sear giant pictures of my face into cornfields for future generations to puzzle over.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-06-28T09:54:00.000-07:00

EDICT TEN:
"Funny Hat Day"

The THIRD THURSDAY of EVERY MONTH, when I am Lord and Emperor over this insignificant sphere, will be FUNNY HAT DAY. Everyone will be required to wear FUNNY HATS all day to keep themselves from TAKING THINGS TOO SERIOUSLY.

If you do not VOLUNTARILY wear a FUNNY HAT, a FUNNY HAT will be ASSIGNED to you. And you don't want that. Trust me.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-06-27T07:28:00.000-07:00

EDICT NINE:
"Urban Transport"

CARS SUCK. Especially downtown. And while you rabble can content yourselves SUCKING EXHAUST and watching your pure white snow turn to grey CARCINOGENIC DIRT, MY REIGN WILL NOT TOLERATE IT.
Upon my rightful ascension to power, ONLY EMERGENCY VEHICLES will be TOLERATED in urban areas. Huge parking areas will be freely available outside every urban core.

There will be a TWO-TRACK transport system running through every street: ONE TRACK for PASSENGER transport, the OTHER track for BULK transport. DELIVERIES will be LOADED AND UNLOADED onto INNER-URBAN FREIGHT TRACK VEHICLES. When possible, FREIGHT track will be laid in alleys BEHIND streets, leaving the streets FREE for PEDESTRIAN traffic and PASSENGER transport vehicles.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-06-26T07:31:00.000-07:00

EDICT EIGHT:
"Toppings"

NO SANDWICH shall have LESS THAN THREE TOPPINGS. I am SICK AND TIRED of people eating SANDWICHES that are just, say, PEANUT BUTTER. LIVE IT UP, YOU DWEEBS. When the world writhes under the spiked heel of my iron-shod boot, you shall ALL HAVE GOOD SANDWICHES ALL THE TIME. No more "honey" sandwiches. HONEY AND PEANUT BUTTER AND MAYBE SOME CLOVES. Huh? You like that? Ham sandwich? SCREW THAT. HAM and MAYO and DIJON MUSTARD and SOME BEAN SPROUTS, if they're FRESH. Church lunches will become MAJOR EVENTS with those LITTLE CUT-UP SANDWICHES becoming the HIT OF THE PARTY instead of a CRINGING EMBARRASMENT.

Under my regime, the world will have HAPPY SANDWICHES.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-06-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

EDICT SEVEN:
"Numbering of edicts"

EDICT SIX shall always be known as "EDICT #4."

DO NOT QUESTION ME ON THIS. Your TINY MINDS cannot COMPREHEND the IMMENSE NUMEROLOGICAL SIGNIFICANCE of what I am doing. Your HEADS WOULD POP LIKE MARSHMALLOWS IN THE MICROWAVE if it were EXPLAINED to you, and the EXPLANATION would take SEVEN YEARS OF using SMALL WORDS and FELT THINGIES ON A FABRIC BOARD. This time could be used MORE CONSTRUCTIVELY in building a FORTY-FOOT MOLDED NAUGAHYDE STATUE of me for my BUFFET PALACE, do you not agree?

Of COURSE you do.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-06-25T09:03:00.000-07:00

EDICT #4:
"Holidays."

I did not issue EDICTS over the PAST TWO DAYS because it was HOLIDAY here in QUEBEC. I DRANK ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES and WATCHED MANY MOVIES on my HOME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM.

I LIKE HOLIDAYS, but I HATE to see people WORKING during them, especially when they MAKE NOISE. When my iron fist (cleverly concealed in a velvet glove) GRIPS THE EARTH like a TODDLER HUGS A SOCK MONKEY, doing ANY form of work on HOLIDAYS will be FORBIDDEN COMPLETELY. No lawn-mowing. No weed-whacking. NO RESTAURANTS OR DISCOTHEQUES WILL BE OPEN. If you get cut, you can DAMN WELL BLEED until the HOLIDAY IS OVER. Try applying direct pressure to the wound, or shove a q-tip into the exposed vein.

One may wonder how this will be MONITORED if nobody is WORKING. The answer will come with a future edict, the one detailing the FLYING CYBORG SPY MONKEY PATROLS. For now, rest in the knowledge that HOLIDAYS will be ALL ABOUT BEER AND BAD MOVIES. YOUR RELAXATION WILL BE MANDATORY.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-06-22T03:17:00.000-07:00

EDICT FIVE:
"Song"

I'D LIKE TO TEACH THE WORLD TO SING. IN PERFECT HARMONY.

No, really.

EVERY HUMAN will be encouraged to SING from a VERY YOUNG AGE. There is NO SUCH THING as a BAD VOICE, just an UNTRAINED one. Under my UTOPIAN REGIME, it will not be UNUSUAL for entire neighbourhoods to burst into GIANT SONG AND DANCE NUMBERS like in most MUSICALS. Imagine walking down the street and HUMMING and having the guy MOWING HIS LAWN pick up the HARMONY. Then some KIDS start throwing in some HIGHLIGHTS. Before you know it, THE WHOLE STREET is blasting out BITCHIN' RENDITION of "TUXEDO JUNCTION."

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-06-21T12:34:00.000-07:00

EDICT FOUR:
"Pants"

FOOLS! It has been FOUR DAYS and you have not yet BOWED to my TITANIC IDEA-SPAWNING BRAIN! What will it take to CONVINCE you? MORE EDICTS? FINE!

PANTS WILL NEVER BE MANDATORY! Under my regime, ALL OF HUMANITY will be subjected to an EDUCATIONAL CAMPAIGN to eliminate their PANTS-CENTRIC GENDER BIAS. Men will be allowed to wear DRESSES, SKIRTS, SARONGS and whatever else strikes their fancy. SHORTS ARE ALWAYS AN OPTION. NO DRESS CODE will EVER require that PANTS be worn.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-06-20T06:50:00.000-07:00

EDICT THREE:
"Tax breaks."

Under my rule, there will be ADDITIONAL INCOME TAX REDUCTIONS for having taken accredited courses in FIRST AID and SELF DEFENSE. Every citizen should know basic first aid and have an orange belt in the martial art of their choice.
Additional tax credits will be given for CHARITY WORK. Any work done for a REGISTERED CHARITY will be credited at the AVERAGE HOURLY WAGE for the country in question's residents and DEDUCTED from their TOTAL WAGES for the YEAR.

If your NET WORTH is over $3,000,000, you will be taxed based on GLOBAL NET WORTH. No tax dodges any more, fat boy!

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-06-19T06:59:00.000-07:00

EDICT TWO:
"Buffet Signage."

In my munificence, I decree that ALL BUFFET RESTAURANTS must have two EIGHT-FOOT PINK NEON SIGNS, one outside and one over the buffet, both reading simply "BUFFET." No other text will be permitted. The outdoor "BUFFET" sign must be sufficiently powered to be VISIBLE FROM SPACE IN FULL SUNLIGHT.
All buffet restaurants will therefore be visible from EIGHT TO TEN KILOMETRES AWAY, easily identified as a pink glowing haze in the sky. ONLY BUFFETS will be allowed to use PINK NEON as an identifier.
Cities across the world will no longer be judged as "world-class" based on their history, culture, or facilities. There will be a new criteria: PINK GLOW FACTOR, or PGF. The more buffets a city has, the higher its PGF rating. The city with the highest PGF will be deemed THE BEST CITY IN THE WORLD and will become EARTH'S CAPITAL CITY.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

2002-06-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

EDICT ONE: JUNE 18, 2002
"The ME Lane."

Most people who drive cars should NOT BE ALLOWED TO. They are STUPID DROOLERS who are BARELY FIT to BRUSH THEIR TEETH, let alone DRIVE.
Under MY rule, there will be a THIRD lane added to all roads and highways.
The ME lane.
A lane for ME, because I KNOW I can drive. Let the peons SWERVE DRUNKENLY in their UGLY PROLETARIAT lanes. The ME lane shall be a lane in which I can drive WITHOUT FEAR. The ME lane will also be accessible to certain friends, neighours, relatives, and people that I KNOW can drive.
You will LOVE the ME LANE. And if you are GOOD and DRIVE WELL, you may one day be given permission to USE it.
I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.